I Dream Of Shoedini…
This piece was originally published January 17th, 2011.
By now the world of infomercials and As Seen On TV products have been written and talked about, goofed on and parodied endlessly.
Yet, there seems no end to the inventions that these shadowy wizards are able to come up with.
Like modern day snake oil salesmen, the ever growing LLC of the fast buck is a school of commerce that continues to pull the punters in.
Here then, are a few favorites that have been piling up in the viewing lounge at Mystery Box HQ, I hope you enjoy them as much as I do...
Your Baby Can Read
While doubtlessly good intentioned and aimed at loving parents who want the best for their offspring, this commercial has never sat well with me.
I'm not quite sure what bothers me the most about this one, but it just seems to come off as creepy and misleading. The core of this program seems to be memorizing and not really grasping comprehension, which is probably a good thing anyways. What's next, a baby purchasing stock over the internet?
Dr. Robert Titzer, indeed...
This one hooks me everytime.
Seriously, there's nothing that tops a full can of paint being thrown off of a building from 53 ft. in the air only to land without a drop of paint leaving the can. I think the Spilldaddy could easily do double-time as a novelty prank right up there as a companion piece/polar opposite to the Dribble Glass.
Just think of the laughs when you take a full can of turpentine and turn it over the head of some confused stranger you meet on the street...
Tiddy Bear very cute.
Tiddy Bear very happy.
Tiddy Bear often forced into compromising situations. Someday Tiddy Bear rip out your freakin' throat and kick your sad carcass to the curb...
Ah, good old Promescent, savior of marriages and keeper of the eternal flame.
Even the name sings of confidence as if it were a gift from the Elders. "Who's the man?" Why you could be the man, should you care to accept this mission. For once I would love to actually hear some decent (and more appropriate) music used for one of these "sensitive" commercials.
Actually, any AC/DC song would fit right in with this one...
Shake Weight (Women's Version)
Hey, easy does it with that thing!
An easy target here, ASS Seen On TV.
Why, even Kelly Ripa sported one of these babies on The Regis and Kelly Show. The audience laughed and laughed, and then sales increased the next day by 300%. You know you'd be wanting this for yourself or a loved one, were it not for the fact that you can't put down your Shake Weight...
Let me tell you, the struggles that we have had taking an egg, some milk, and that darned powdered pancake batter, throwing it into a bowl and mixing it all up.
Why, the pouring alone is such a chore. What a hassle!
Thankfully, in keeping with the long and prestigious history of how lazy can your ass actually get in this life products (a close cousin to all the great space foods that have been marketed over the years) comes this completely unnecessary, yet strangely compelling item. Truthfully, we have a can downstairs in the Mystery Box kitchen awaiting a trial run tomorrow morning, and I hear that a new bacon flavor is on the way soon...
Shake Weight (Men's Version)
Easy, let's just change the color and market this gem to the fellows who can now enjoy the "piston-like motion" downtown at any private gentleman's club.
All facets of human sexuality, visual double-entendre now completely covered thanks to the fine folks that bring us this engaging tool...
A true first round ballot, Hall Of Famer, ShoeDini is perhaps one of the greatest late night commercials since The Stairmaster.
Voiced by none other than the inimitable Gilbert Gottfried giving it a nice "loud enough for the hearing aid set" quality, what seems like a phony SNL bit, is actually the real thing. Hilarious and also a sure seller. In the wrong hands, ShoeDini could have been a sadly ironic, insider flop, but in this case, ShoeDini takes its place atop holy mountain...
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